Words of encouragement from a like minded man.
It’s amazing what can be accomplished when you just let your mind flow freely and live in the moment. It sounds like such a simple thing, I know, but all too often we are guilty of not just enjoying what’s happening. What am I leading to with this?
Being the receiving partner during sex.
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My Wife / Domme has asked me to help her find a FLR mentor and/or friend. Someone that she can discuss the dynamics of a FLR with, ideally someone that my be in her same shoes, new and still growing. But at the same time, she has interest in also talking to a experienced female in a FLR. Females only. Looking for email, text, phone call conversation. If you are interested, feel free to message me or comment, and I will get you in contact with her. Thanks.
Was wondering if anyone in a FLR, or has been, tried adding ANR, Adult Nursing Relationship, to their FLR? Even before our FLR, an ANR had been something we had discussed and both had interest in. With the FLR aspect, it add a new exciting twist. Open to thoughts and opinions.
Some advice for the Dominant Wife with a submissive husband…
A primary reinforcer is any reward your husband will work to get, and which will increase or maintain a behaviour. Of all the rewards that you could offer your husband, sex is far and away the most powerful. Sex, therefore, serves as the core, primary reinforcer. Simply put, under the right circumstances, your husband will do virtually anything to have sex with you.
A secondary reinforcer, or a conditioned reinforcer, is any previously neutral stimulus that acquires reinforcing properties through an association with a primary reinforcer over a period of time. Lingerie a secondary reinforcer, albeit one that he has almost certainly already associated with sex. As a practical matter, you cannot use sex to reward your husband for every good deed. Secondary reinforcers are therefore critical to an effective training program.
There are two types of behavioural conditioning: respondent conditioning and operant conditioning. In respondent conditioning, a neutral stimulus, such as words of praise, is paired with a primary reinforcer, such as sex. Through a repetition of the pairing, the neutral stimulus takes on the ability to elicit the response, it becomes a secondary reinforcer. Note that a secondary reinforcer may be paired with still another neutral stimulus to create a tertiary reinforcer but such a reinforcer will tend to be weaker than one paired with a primary reinforcer. It is therefore always better to associate new secondary reinforcers with your primary reinforcer, sex.
Note that operant conditioning refers to behaviours that are not under your husband’s control. Your husband is naturally aroused by sex. Use the secondary reinforcer to mark the exact instant of behaviour for which your husband is going to be rewarded. If, for example, you pair sex with words of praise then the words of praise will come to arouse your husband by themselves. When your husband learns that words of praise are always followed by sex, the words of praise are said to be conditioned.
Operant conditioning is the process in which the frequency of occurrence of a behaviour is modified by the consequences of the behaviour. It is the process by which you modify a behaviour under your husband’s control by manipulating and controlling the consequences to him of the behaviour. If positively reinforced, the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated increases. If punished, the likelihood of the behaviour being repeated decreases.
Once your husband has learned a behaviour well, you will want to start rewarding intermittently. Not knowing when the reward will come, what the reward will be or how big the reward will be strengthens the behaviour. Think of it like rolling a single six-sided die. The number you would get would be variable. Example: You might want to reward a behaviour after 2 times, 6 times, 4 times, 1 time, etc. You might want to offer sex one time, words of praise the next time, a wet kiss the next time, a flash of your nipple another time. Note: it is very discouraging to your husband if you simply make it harder and harder to get a reward. Random variability, not rising expectations, is critical.
Your husband’s penis is the most sensitive area of his body. It not entirely without exaggeration that we say that a man thinks with his penis. Think of your husband’s penis as a magic button you can press at virtually any time and deliver pure pleasure to him. The one obvious exception is that your husband’s sex drive will fall off entirely immediately after he has achieved an orgasm. Depending on his age and physical condition, it may take minutes, hours, or days for him to recover his sex drive.
While husbands enjoy intercourse immensely, it is not the most practical way to deliver stimulation and reinforcement. Intercourse, whatever the position, is generally too distracting for you. And if your husband is on top, he, not you, will tend to control it. You should reserve intercourse as a final reward and the end of the training session and for constructing secondary reinforcers.
At the same time, you should be developing secondary reinforcers. As and when you stimulate his penis, deliver additional stimulations. These additional stimulations may be sight, smell, touch, and sound. Some such stimulants will necessarily be more precise than others but all will acquire a positive association with the stimulation of his penis.
The sight of your breasts is an example of a visual stimulation.
You can add a smell stimulant by wearing a special perfume during your training sessions. He will come to associate the smell of the perfume with sex. Touch is a more precise stimulation. As you stimulate his penis, you can touch him in other, non-sexual ways. For example, you might give him a quick double-pat on his thigh. Similarly, you can add sound stimulation by delivering specific words or phrases along with the stimulation of his penis. For example, “very good” or “what a wonderful husband you are.” You can take it further by using a unique, i.e. sexy, tone of voice.
In addition to such training sessions in bed, you should begin to reward his behaviour out of bed. For example, if he does the dishes, you should reward him. Your primary reinforcement is sex. So rewarding him for doing the dishes with your primary reinforcer would involve inviting him, then and there, to go to the bedroom with you to make love. Obviously, this is not a very practical course of action.
Instead, this is where you introduce your secondary reinforcers. If, for example, he washes the dishes, you give him a double-tap on his thigh or whisper in his ear, “what a wonderful husband you are” in your special, sexy voice or flash your bare breast. If he has made a big effort to prepare dinner for you, you can go and put on special perfume for dinner.
In the beginning, you should consistently reinforce your husband for the desired behaviour. Once you have trained your husband to perform a desired behaviour on a regular basis, though, you should switch to a random reinforcement. While true randomness is ideal, it should be adequate to simply vary the reinforcement according to your whim. It is crucial, though, not to otherwise raise the bar. You can teach him to do new things for you but you should not reduce the reinforcement over time. You must maintain at least a random reinforcement of each desired behaviour or the behaviour will become extinguished.
Interestingly, while doing chores is a behaviour that you are encouraging through positive reinforcement, it may also happen that certain aspects of doing the chores will become secondary reinforcers themselves. For example, as you train your husband to wash the dishes, and reinforce that behaviour, your husband may come to indirectly associate the experience of washing the dishes with sex. The more consistent and powerful the reinforcement, the more likely and strongly will be that association. Your husband may actually become aroused by washing the dishes. Thus, over time, washing the dishes may become its own reward.
Once such an association is made between a chore and sex, you can use the chore as a reinforcer. For example, if your husband fails to do the dishes and he discovers you doing them, this will be a punishment. By doing the dishes you are depriving him of something which gives him sexual pleasure.
Similarly, you can create an association between general submissive behaviour and sex so that he becomes aroused by his own expressions of submission to you.
Unless your husband is a complete moron, he will figure out what you are up to sooner or later. But the training, of course, is very pleasant for your husband. If you are careful to match the pace of training to his receptivity, it is most likely that your husband will cooperate in his training. Simply back off when he objects. Press ahead when he is enthusiastic.
What is most intriguing about these training techniques is that they work even if your husband is entirely aware of what you are doing. The behaviour modification techniques will affect him at a deep, subconscious level. You will fundamentally change the way he thinks about doing the chores.
Indeed, some husbands have likened it to creating an addiction. As the training progresses, the husband becomes addicted to the reward system such that, even though he understands, intellectually, why he craves to do the chores, and even though he is entirely aware that you have used sex to train him, still, he will feel a deep, irrefutable craving to do the chores for you. Doing the chores becomes an enjoyable experience for him.
You are, in effect, rewiring his brain to enjoy doing the chores for you. Your husband might initially be willing to make the personal sacrifice to do the chores for you. But as the training progresses, doing the chores will become less a personal sacrifice and more a self indulgence. A wise husband who has committed to serving you will therefore eagerly cooperate in the training…
Thanks to Oracle & FemaleSupremacy
Good read… Worth sharing.
First off, as we’ve said before, there really are no hard and fast “rules” per se when it comes to FemDom and a wife-led marriage. In fact, if we had to acknowledge there being even just one “rule,” it would be that a wife and husband must communicate honestly with one another on a continual […]
Sorry for not post updates sooner, but life has been crazy. Between our 5 kids out of school for the summer, my job, and my wife’s business, we have not had much time to blog.
So, it has been 1 year and a couple days since we started our FLR. I have worn a chastity device the entire time. We have had our ups and downs, we both continue to learn and grow into our roles. I feel that our relationship has grown exponentially over the past year. We know each other better than we ever did and now are our true selves.
Will let my loving wife speak for herself. As far as me, I know without a doubt, a FLR is the key to my true happiness. Society had me trying to be someone that I wasn’t. Our FLR has let me be myself without guilt and pressure. As I have mentioned in previous post, a look back at my actions prior to our FLR showed that I had always subconsciously sought such a relationship, but I was naive, blinded by what I felt society expected of me. Up until a year ago when my wife and our marriage counselor suggested a FLR, the thought had never entered my mind, nor did I actually know such a thing existed outside of the bedroom. But now, a year later, our FLR has saved our relationship and marriage. I love my wife, I love our new life together.
Well written post that shows why mutual love is the key to a successful FLR.
My Queen and I are equals. It’s part of the basis of O/our relationship. ‘But wait!’ I hear you cry, ‘Aren’t you part of a 24/7 total power exchange? Aren’t you Her submissive? Doesn’t she set your limits and tell you what you can and can’t do? How can you possibly be equals?!’ No, I’m not hallucinating and I’m even reasonably sure that I’m not going to get disciplined for saying this.
In O/our dynamic O/our roles and positions of power are totally opposite. My Queen has all the power to make decisions, control what I do, where I go, discipline me and so on. There is no equality in O/our roles at all. My Queen has all the power and authority and I have to do what She says. But W/we are still equals.
W/we share the understanding and belief that each of U/us is of equal worth, that…
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As I posted in a earlier post, https://ourflr.wordpress.com/2016/03/19/my-current-chastity-cage/, we had been shopping for a new device for me. Found the BON4M, showed it to my Wife, she instantly free in love with it, she loved how substantial and industrial it looked, I was told to immediately order it, I gladly did so. The device it cast stainless steel, not chrome plated solid steel rod bent and welded together. The reviews were great. It is a mid priced device. Received it this past Monday, have had it on ever since. We could not be more happy. She adores the look. I’m extremely happy with how comfortable it is. To my surprise, it is not a heavy as it looks. Can see this one being long term.
After last night’s Maintenance, see post https://ourflr.wordpress.com/2016/03/23/its-maintenance-day/ , I might have made a grievous mistake this evening. One of my wife’s rules it that when we sit down to eat, she must take the 1st bite. Tonight, I fixed dinner, brought her plate to her as she was working on the computer. Told her that I would be right back with my plate. When I returned, I made the assumption that she had already taken a bite of her food and I then took a bite of mine. I was wrong. She noticed immediately and called me out. Without a blink of an eye, I was informed that I had just earned punishment swats tonight. After what I endured last night, I know she is planning on taking me to a place that I have never been….
Wednesday’s are my scheduled Maintenance Day. She has told me that she will be finding the line between maintenance and punishment. Unsure what that will entail. To be clear, I do not enjoy the swats. However, I do enjoy seeing her power drunk.
[UPDATE] – I just received 20 effective swats. If that was maintenance, I’m sure I don’t want punishment. I feel the line has been established, pretty sure she doesn’t agree.
Last night, we again used our new “strapless” strap-on. This is one of the most exciting toys we have acquired thus far. Unlike a normal strap-on, it has a bulb which is inserted into her and a fabulous textured “bump” for stimulating the clit. It also includes a bullet vibe that can be inserted into the base of the toy.
It has been too long since we have posted anything to our blog. Our lives have been hectic as I’m sure everyone can understand and relate to. Hubby and I have committed to each other to start posting more consistently, so, here it is. A bit of a recap on how things have been progressing for us and maybe some background you were unaware of.
Update on my cage…. Back in August ’15, I posted a photo of my 1st chastity cage. The base ring was way too small, very uncomfortable. We ordered a larger base ring and things got better. However, the hinged base ring design continued to present problems. The hinge would rub a raw spot on the bottom of my scrotum every couple of days, I would then have to go without wearing the cage for a couple of days to heal. But the issue would just repeat again in a couple days after wearing it again. We began a search for a cage with a solid / closed ring without having to order a custom made one. We finally settled on the one pictured below. Can say the the curved base ring is extremely comfortable. Since September, I have been wearing it continuously.
It has been several months since we last posted, but for good reason. Things are going better than I ever expected. Backing off and not pressuring Her is best thing i have done thus far to grow our FLR. More on that in a forth coming post.
Wanted to share the FLR Contract that I wrote and presented to Her. I scoured the web for a contract, but found nothing that really fit us, so I wrote one myself, pulling pertinent pieces from the several I found. Here is email version that I sent her:
Continue reading “The Contract….”
Know it’s been forever since we posted anything, but life had been crazy and we have been focused on our FLR…. Things are going great, it has made our relationship stronger than we ever suspected. I have worn my cage every day since we started. She wears the key with pride. The empowerment of her has made me fall in love with all over again.
We promise to post our experiences thus far in detail as soon as things calm down after xmas.
Here is another text I sent her shortly after #1:
- I truly want and desire for you to dominate me. I’m yearning for you to stop holding back, take this wherever you desire. Don’t want you to worry about if I will like or want it, if it is your desire, then do it… Tell me to do it… Make me do it…. I have no boundaries, you have full freedom to take me wherever you want. My promise to you is that if we reach a point or action that I’m not 100% comfortable with and willing, I will let you know. I can honestly say that, with our current situation, I have never felt more secure in any relationship than I do right now with you. Your ownership of me fulfills a void that I have always desired and needed. I have truly never felt more loved than what I am currently feeling from you. So…. I emphatically love you… I’m unequivocally yours… You own me body, spirit, soul… Therefore, please take full ownership of me.
Here is a copy of a text I sent to my Dom Wife:
- In case I haven’t told you lately, I am so happy and honored to be wearing this chastity cage for you. It a constant reminder that I’m yours and it is my place to serve and please you. It also reiterates that my sexual pleasure is no longer a factor, and your pleasure is all that matters.
The prior photo of my chastity cage was with the smaller base ring that was way to small. Yesterday we received a larger base ring in the mail. It fits like a glove. Other than some soreness and slight irritation from wear the smaller ring, the new larger ring is great, do not foresee any reason that I will not be able to wear the cage 24/7 as my wife desires. I absolutely love that she is so happy with me for wearing this.
Several days ago, after a bit of discussion, we ordered my husband’s first chastity device. We shopped for it online together, finally settling on a stainless steel cage with a urethra tube. It arrived Wednesday in the mail. After sanitizing the entire thing, we tried it on him. The actual penis cage fits perfectly. The basal ring however, is a bit tight so we have since ordered a larger size to accommodate his rather “perky” balls. He is still currently unable to use the tube, however, he is in the process of stretching his urethra to allow the tube to be inserted.
He has worn the cage now on several occasions, including all day on Thursday and Friday while we were out shopping and running errands. He complained very little of any discomfort, but what little he did have seemed to be alieviated with some powder. Much to his relief, it was not noticable under his pants.
I must say that I was thrilled to have him wear it in my presence, in public. It was very much a power trip for me. I found myself staring quite often at his crotch, probably with a ridiculous grin on my face. Tomorrow will be his first day to wear it to work. I’m sure he is a bit nervous about that, but I am absolutely exhilarated! I’m planning to keep him locked for an entire week, beginning the day his larger basal ring arrives, which I’m hoping will be tomorrow. I also intent to set up an orgasm schedule for him, which will be based on his behavior. I’m thinking….an orgasm per week if his behavior is good, but adding two days each time he displeases me to begin with. Although, I won’t promise him these times won’t be extended in the future…. 😉
Good read, explains a lot for me.
FLR (Female-Led Relationship, or FLM Female-Led Marriage)is essentially a power exchange arrangement. I have thought a lot (probably too much) about why this is cool, why it pushes buttons for people, what they get out of it, etc.
Aside from the power trip of being in charge, why is this associated with sexual control too? I realize that most FLR sites are going to tell you that FLR isn’t about sexual stuff. It’s about being in charge, being in control, etc. But the fact is, many guys crave it. Many relationships thrive with it. Have you thought about why?
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Dear My Dommy,
Please read…. Hits close to my thoughts and feelings after the spanking you gave me last night.
Charmer wrote earlier this week (link to the post) about my being a mouthy (in jest) sub and spanking.
We’ve not gotten much into impact play at all to-date (save for a few passing instances). So this was a first. For those of you who already have experienced this, you may be laughing by the end of this post, but I wanted to provide a look at my side of the scene, and the things that both were, and have been, going through my head.
About 3 weeks ago, I’d forgotten a house rule of CFNM. Essentially, I left off the NM part. Charmer came over, leaned down in what seemed like out of the blue and looked me square in the eye. “5 swats.” I didn’t even connect at first what she was talking about. “5 swats for not getting undressed like you’re supposed to.
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As my husband had mentioned in a previous post, I came to him around six weeks ago, having made the decision for the two of us to enter a FLR. I must admit, I expected much more resistance on his part however, by the end of the evening, he had decided to “give it a try” and I believe only a day or so into it, he was asking me to take more control. We are still growing, evolving, making this relationship our own. My ultimate goal is to reach a level 3 FLR.
We’ve started with some basics:
I very rarely bathe my self anymore. He is required to wash and condition my hair and wash my body before he is to see to himself. After our shower, he pampers my feet, massaging lotion into them. Occasionally, I’ll have him paint my toenails beforehand. In addition, he is required to open all doors for me if we are together – especially in public.
Some goals for the future are to have him wear a penis plug – one with a loop for attaching a leash. He is currently stretching his urethra every night to facilitate this for me. Also, he has a tendency to…wander quite alot when we’re out in public – shopping and the like. It’s quite innocent, however I intend to instate a rule that will require him to stay within a certain distance. More rules to come.
I love pleasing her…in anyway…
She thinks I do not love to bathe her, I do.
She thinks I do not love rubbing lotion on her feet, I do,
Love it when she does not ask for things… She just tells me.
I love her attention, love it when she grabs me…. Plays with my body…. Looks it over and smiles knowing she owns it… Mind, body, and soul.
I am her’s….. Here to please and serve her as she wishes.
I’m happier with us than I have ever been. As odd as it may sound, I feel more like a man than I ever have. The only thing I would change…..I wish she would use me more…..
Me, the husband, I am a 43 years old, 6″1″, slim, bald head that I keep completely shaved, and I have a goatee.
My wife is 31 years old, 5’2″, smoking hot body with curves in all the right places, olive-brown skin, dark brown eyes, and long black curly hair.
I’m a sub husband in a FLR Relationship. My wife and I are new to this concept. We thought we would capture the story of our journey via this blog.